The Professional Fiddler

Today I fixed the dishwasher by taking the bottom cover off, fiddled with a few things, and Voila! It started working again! It reminds me of the time I fixed my portable CD player by dropping it from a height of four feet. Instincts, I tell you! Instincts!

Some days I Just Can't Take It

Today it seemed like someone planted the water cooler in front of my cubicle. There was a constant stream of trivial conversations. Then there were people that would come into my area and just stand there staring at me for a few moments after which they would say, "Watcha doin'?" I'M TRYING TO GET ONE SINGLE DANG THING DONE!! WORK! I WORK HERE! DON'T YOU?! ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY ELSE YOU CAN GO STARE AT? SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE ATTENTION PROBLEMS? I'M SURE THERE'S A NICE CONVERSATION SOMEWHERE ABOUT HOW THE DOW JONES IS DOWN ANOTHER 350 PTS BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY HAD TO ENDURE 2-3 VERSIONS OF THAT SAME CONVERSATION TODAY IN MY OWN CUBICLE...AND I WASN'T EVEN TALKING TO THEM!!!! I left work at 3:20 pm.

Thingie (y?)

I'm trying to think of what you call things that you can't remember what to call 'ems....Here's some:

Thinger
Thingie(y)
Thingamabobber
Whatchamacallit
Watzit
Thingamajig
Thingamajigger
Doohickey
Doodah
Deal-io
Flippin' piece of trash

for people:

whatshername
whatsherface
whatsherbucket
whatshersmell
whatshertrash
(are you seeing a pattern?)


Please feel free to add your own.

I Hate Chemistry

So lately I've been studying (slightly) for the PE test to get my Professional Engineer's license. The test has a breadth section which includes topics outside of my specialty (structural engineering) like traffic engineering, soils engineering, hydraulics, and my worst enemy, environmental engineering (shiver). No, I don't hate the earth. Yes, I do hate chemistry. I'm not quite sure why I have an abiding hatred for this subject. I understand the importance of, say, atoms. I got A's in my chemistry classes. Nevertheless, my first response when confronted with a chemistry problem is to hiss and spit. Here's a short list of things I despise for visceral rather than logical reasons:

1. King of Queens
2. John McCain's voice
3. Hair (not attached)
4. Camel Spiders
5. Peach Fuzz
6. Pundits

The Olympics rule!!

I just spent 2 hours watching obscure olympic sports footage. Awesome. Tonight I was watching track and field events: pole vault, hammer throw, triple jump. I'm totally addicted. The other night Julie and I watched weightlifting for 2 hours. I miss the Olympics already. (sigh) I will also miss watching 10,000 chinese people do crazy 100'-tall undulating human sculptures (double sigh).

I Fix Cars!!

Yesterday I successfully adjusted the belts on my '93 Honda Accord. It only took me 6 hours and 2 trips to Autozone.

Slumpin' 2

Thanks for the comments everyone. I will attempt a brief report of the suggestions given. I realize that the descriptions tend to oversimplify the advice; my apologies.

1. Stare at the ceiling in bed, sleep, more staring, etc. This was the first suggestion that I tried out since I wanted to take a nap anyway. The effectiveness of this technique entirely depends on whether there is a child screaming in the next room. For that matter, most suggestions will depend on the presence of said screaming child. That being said, I think this probably did the the most for me. I usually need time alone to let my brain unravel. Silence helps.
2. Take a drive with a book on tape. I do enjoy a good book on tape now and again especially from June to October when there's no basketball on sports radio. If your goal is to get out of your slump then you must be careful to choose a subject that does not require an emotional investment. Listening to the Twilight series will probably only serve to get you involved in a heated Jacob vs Edward debate and not get your life in order. I would also advise against late-night listening since I ran a red light and had a head-on collision while listening to Rumpole of the Bailey late at night.
3. Visit The Onion online (theonion.com) this is good advice if you have a thick skin and need a little distraction. My favorite article of all time had a title that went something like this, "Stephen Hawking Saves the World with New Exoskeleton." Watch out for f-bombs.
4. Shoot the Tube. Apparently, this slightly hazardous and illegal activity is all the rage among high-schoolers these days. From what I understand, it consists of sliding down a slick concrete culvert for several hundred feet in pitch blackness. I wonder if there's another way to get a wedgie and a misdemeanor without risking broken bones.
5. Play video games. Violent video games. This suggestion is interesting because the results will vary depending on the person. I know people who like to blow virtual brains out because they find it relaxing. Others go for the adrenaline rush. The effect on me would most likely be decent into madness and recurring nightmares. I just don't like killing people that much. Oh, and people who enjoy killing ewoks and wookies in their spare time are just sick.
6. Supplements. You know, I've always secretly wanted to get that pack of mystery vitamins that you see at the convenient store that have all manner of textures, colors, and translucency. Not only do they promise increased energy, but they also claim to raise your IQ and increase sexual performance. I think the problem is that they look too much like candy, the kind of candy you'd get from a shady character in the red-light district.
7. Do something irrational, nonsensical or irresponsible. I actually thought that most of the ideas would be in this category, because I think that's how I'd answer the question if it were put to me. So maybe you could dump a bowl of salad on your head or drive to Vegas on a whim or start singing Niel Diamond's "America" at the top of your lungs, etc. You could even combine them so that you wear salad on your head as you drive to Vegas whilst singing Niel Diamond. This is, in fact, a wonderful idea and anybody near Vegas, a salad, or Niel Diamond, should consider adding one or both of the other elements. Feel free to improvise. For example, if you happen to be in Vegas at a Niel Diamond show, order a salad, and if the opportunity presents itself you could even dump the salad ON Niel Diamond! You see? This paragraph is completely nonsensical and I feel better already.

Thanks to all who responded to the original post. I apologize that I didn't address every idea. But don't worry, someday I'll publish a book full of everybody else's material and in the acknowledgments I'll list "the internet" and then you'll just know that means you.

Slumpin'

Hello All,

On this fine pioneer day, I find myself in a slump (listless, uncreative, unmotivated, etc.) I'm curious what you all do when in a similar state of mind (assuming that this happens to other people.) So I'm soliciting ideas on how to break the cycle. I promise to try the ideas and then give a report on which methods were most effective. The wackier the better. Since there seems to be no shortage of slumping, I'm sure I'll get to all of the ideas (except the dumb ones, of course)

Thanks,
temporarilydumbdumbinthehead

Don't believe me?

Here's the abstract from the article titled, "The Effect of Physical Height on Workplace Success and Income: Preliminary Test of a Theoretical Model" found in the Journal of Applied Psychology. 2004 Jun Vol 89(3) 428-441.

"In this article, the authors propose a theoretical model of the relationship between physical height and career success. We then test several linkages in the model based on a meta-analysis of the literature, with results indicating that physical height is significantly related to measures of social esteem (p = .41), leader emergence (p = .24), and performance (p = .18). Height was somewhat more strongly related to success for men (p = .29) than for women (p = .21), although this difference was not significant. Finally, given that almost no research has examined the relationship between individuals' physical height and their incomes, we present four large-sample studies (total N = 8,590) showing that height is positively related to income (ß = .26) after controlling for sex, age, and weight. Overall, this article presents the most comprehensive analysis of the relationship of height to workplace success to date, and the results suggest that tall individuals have advantages in several important aspects of their careers and organizational lives. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2007 APA, all rights reserved)"

Here's a quote from the article:

"In addition to the standardized regression () coefficients reported in Table 4, the results revealed that the unstandardized regression (B) coefficients have appreciable effect sizes. The unstandardized coefficient estimates reveal that each inch increase in height results in a predicted increase in annual earnings of $897 in Study 1, $728 in Study 2, and $743 in Study 4 (it was not possible to obtain effect size estimates for Study 3 given that salary was
coded into categories). By averaging across these results, we find that an individual who is 72 in. tall could be expected to earn $5,525 more per year than someone who is 65 in. tall, even after
controlling for gender, weight, and age."

The rest of the paper was just a bunch of statistics 'n junk....BUT I BELIEVE 'EM!

To be short

Did you know that short people make less money than tall people? This provides a perfect excuse for my lack of earning power: "size-ism". Tall-ey and the gub'ment are keepin' me down!

They're BAack..

The villains are back! They were temporarily thwarted by technical difficulties. This time the culprit is a fellow by the name of "Lethargo." He tends to attack immediately after my alarm clock goes off or following a large meal. A successful assault results in drooping eyelids, listless limbs, and an allergic reaction to doing the dishes. Once within his grasp, escape is nigh impossible. This is because he literally melts himself all over you so that you seem to weigh twice as much as usual and feel all...oozy. His powers are heightened by really comfy couches, watching cats fall asleep, and the existence of a "to do" list.

Allies: Turkey, Phillip Glass, High Council Speakers

Counterattack: Hot salsa, P-funk, fire (accidental)

Not About My Kids

This blog is not about my children. Picture me in a chair gripping the armrests trying not blog about every cute, ridiculous or abominable thing they do. Here's the throuble: they are so much more interesting than me. Even as I type I am restraining myself and it's taking all my mental energy. How can I possibly come up with something as compelling as Caleb's sudden pronouncement in the car today: "I'm really into picking my nose!" And when I remind him that it is probably not something he should be "into", he adds under his breath, "Well, I am." How can I compete with that? There, I've done it. I gave into the urge to blog about my kids. At least I've stopped twitching.

The Scrappy Player

I play basketball...barely. I'm that guy, you know, the one that tries really hard, but should probably just give up and go play Dungeons and Dragons. Here are some actual quotes from last night's bruising encounter (I'm not making this up):

• "Did somebody's head just hit my foot?"
• "You're getting some really good looks"
• "Why does your head keep hitting everybody's elbows?"

I do feel that I'm improving, but only on the cardiovascular level. This means I've stopped weezing. I've seriously considered going to the library and checking out a book on basketball. In this way I hope to overcome years of inactivity and poor motor skills and achieve basketball zen. By "zen" I mean not getting picked last. Actually we choose teams by shooting free throws--same diff. This method creates the most balanced teams possible with the short losers on one side and the basketball gods on the other. Inevitably, after trouncing the mediocre, free-throw deficient team, someone from team Gargantua will say, "These teams are pretty fair, let's keep it here." To which I reply, "(groan)" What's a scrappy player to do besides step into the lane in front of Mr. 285 lb ex-high school player and take a charge for the team and a knee to the head? Oh I forgot, offensive fouls don't exist in pick-up ball.

New post

Let the guilt begin. I'm officially blogging for blogging's sake. Not having a new post is starting to stress me out. Also, getting comments is addictive. It's like crack for middle-aged, middle-weight, nearing-mid-life-crisis middletons who are starving for recognition and relevance. (scoff) Glad I'm not one of those guys! (Please leave comment)

Unlimited Potential

Today as we were driving Caleb said, "When I grow up I'm going to step on that tree!...As a transformer car!...And big and green as a green hulk!...Did you know that?"

The Manly Man

Today, I nailed stuff. Even more impressive was the fact that some of the stuff wasn't my thumb. Less impressive was the fact that the other stuff was my thumb. I hit my thumb so hard it started bleeding. This is manly, and I am a manly man who handles the crushing of his own thumb stoically and with dignity. While I was calmly waiting for the pain and bleeding to subside, I reflected on the fact that nails and wood are dumb and that I could not possibly be responsible for the pain I was feeling. I am sure that my technique was impeccable, and my aim was true. Clearly the nails were poorly designed.

Secret Code!!!

blah blah blaIh blah hblah balah bltah blaeh blah Cblah belah bllah blaih blahne blah Dblah bilah bloah blanh.

To Battle the Forces of Evil...

As you can see from the previous post, I must deal with strong forces of evil and ... distraction on a daily basis. To thwart such enemies one must be constantly vigilant and possess a unique skill set (taking one's medication also helps.) I have many skills(z), most of which would probably NOT be useful in the fight against evil. Here are just a few:

1. Matching the correct tupperware size to a given volume of leftovers to within 1/4 cup.
2. Making the occasional pun without meaning to.
3. "Skiing" down dirt slopes with just my feet as if I were actually skiing.
4. Opening the microwave on "0" before/without the signal going off.
5. Jumping at just the right time in an elevator to give a momentary sensation of weightlessness.
6. Playing "The Persian Princess" on the piano with my nose (requires a partner.)
7. Speaking Egg-Latin. (Eggalseggo egga deggead leggangueggage)

Forces of Evil, BEWARE! or at least stop laughing at me.

Super Villainy

In order to overcome my inner demons, or inner villains as it were, I am embarking on an ambitious project to characterize human frailties (particularly my own, though you might also be afflicted) in the form of super villains....it'll make sense, trust me. So without further ado, the first villain in the compendium is: UNTHOUGHT.



This villain's main objective is to erase any and all thoughts from the mind thus reducing the victim's brain to goo. As you can see, HE HAS NO FACE. Also, the body below the head consists only of smoky tentacle-like limbs with which he scuttles around. His translucense allows him to enter your field of vision without making his presence known. Then, just when you start having an important thought, like, "I should register the car" or "I think my wife is talking to me" he jumps in front of you and does his smoky hypnotic unthought dance, thus preventing the thought and replacing it with a desire to stare at a wall or watch SportsCenter.

Miscellaneous statistics:

Allies: The Nothing from The Neverending Story; the skeksi from The Dark Crystal that sucks out the podlings' essence.

Creep Factor: Did I mention HE HAS NO FACE!?

Tip to ward off: Start singing Feliz Navidad.

To Blog or Not to Blog

I really want to give this blogging thing a fair shake, but so far it's been rough going. This may appear to be my first entry, and it is...on this blog. See, I have another blog which I'm now going to abandon. It was supposed to be lowexpectations.blogspot.com . But, as you can see if you follow the preceding link, I'm no where to be found on this page. That's because I accidentally set my URL as lowexpecations.blogspot.com . See the difference? How's that for a self-fulfilling prophesy? You can expect more of the same fare on this ever-so-slightly improved blog (see? no misspellings in the URL!).